“Choosing a sperm donor is a lot like dating—only way more awkward and with a much higher stakes conversation starter.”
“The best donor is the one that resonates as right for you… trust your gut feeling.”
The words “sperm donor” are not the words you want to hear from your fertility clinic, whether you are a part of a couple or pursuing as a single mother. When I began this process, I knew it was going to be weird but difficult to choose the man I’d be making a baby with. But man, did I underestimate the weirdness and overwhelming feelings that would come up for me. I never planned for it to be this way, and I wish more than anything that I had a partner in this process. But I have considered all possible scenarios that could come up during this process, whether its the yearning for a partner in this process or the judgements over using a sperm donor but what I do know is that this is my way of getting my dream and I’m not going to let those things bother me.
When I first logged on, I did not know what I was expecting. I logged on with California Cryobank, and the first thing I noticed was all of the different filters that I could choose, to only see donors with specific qualities. I wanted to give myself as many options as I could, so I just started looking, with no filters. Within a couple of days, I had found a few options that I was considering but wanted to give it some time. This was a big choice, you know. Looking for a sperm donor is a lot like online dating; they show you pictures and demographics, and if we’re lucky, some defining characteristics so that we get more of a picture of what a future child may look like or act like.
At first, it felt like I was having to genetically create my child, but after a while, I realized that it is just like traditionally finding someone you’d like to have children with, they are both choosing a genetic parent to my baby. This means the donor’s health history, genetic predispositions, and even personality traits can influence the child’s life. A donor’s medical history or genetic conditions can be passed on, and their values may influence how the child is raised like a traditional father. The key difference between the two is that with sperm donation, the donor’s role is often limited to conception, and the choice is made before the child is born, with long-term legal and emotional consequences that can be managed through careful selection and planning. In many jurisdictions, sperm donors are not considered legal parents, but they are still the child’s biological father. This can create complex relationships later, depending on the amount of contact the donor chooses to have with the mother and the child. I’ve had to learn the hard way about choosing this path and have lost a friend because I am going through IVF with a sperm donor and not adopting (With my Huntington’s diagnosis and single mother by choice, adopting is almost 100% off the table due to an “unhealthy” home.)
There are also levels of subscriptions that you can purchase to have access to some or all of the information on the donors. I immediately said no to spending money on a subscription but actually found a code online that gives me 3 months of a level 3 subscription, which provides all of the information on donors. At that time, I had picked a couple of possibles out, and the subscription really helped me narrow them down. The donors had recorded short interviews answering some questions and as soon as I heard my donor’s interview, I knew that he was the one. Yes, this really happened. He checked all of the boxes on what traits I want my babies to have and you could really get a sense of who he was through the interview.
Honestly, I was not expected to have that reaction to the one that I would eventually choose. I thought I’d just end up kind of liking my donor and going with it, but I was immediately hooked on this one. Yes, I had other options I was considering, but this one always seemed to be my first choice. Through the answers to the hosts’ questions as well as his profile, it brought to light his dedication, his determination, his passion and his humility, to name a few.
There also was one specific line where it took my decision over the top and that was when he was asked the question “What are you most excited to learn in the near future?” And his answer was “I am most excited to continue to learn about myself”. The line that I tell everyone is “We are all works in progress”. Very few of us will hit the self actualization stage with complete self fulfillment. What matters is the dedication to improving ourselves.” so after hearing that, it was final. This one would be the other half of my baby(s). And the excitement that I experienced as soon as I decided was unmatched.
To my donor –
One day my child (or children) will read this letter, and I hope that it helps them understand just how extraordinary your gift was. First of all, thank you can never express how appreciative I am for you. I’m a single mother, and IVF was my only option to have children so without you, this would never have been possible. You have given me the best part of me for nothing other than wanting to give someone the opportunity to have a family. This is going to sound weird, but something in me knew early on in my search, that you were the “one”. I heard your interview and that was what sold me. I can tell that you have a lot of traits that I want in my children, you’re caring, determined, passionate, confident, and smart.
The part of the interview that checked all of the boxes was “I’m most interested in learning more about myself.” I tell everyone “I’m a work in progress and I always will be and that is there is nothing wrong with that”. So, your line stuck with me. My babies will know that they do not have to be perfect at everything, all the time, that mistakes are okay. That they will never be judged for being less than perfect. You have found what you love to do and have run with it. I have as well and I couldn’t be happier, and it is something I wish for, for my children in the future.
You may never fully know the joy, laughter, and love that your selfless choice has brought into my world, but please know that it is immeasurable. Whether our paths ever cross or not, you have given me a life more than I could ever repay, and I will always honor the gift that you have given us.
To my child if you’re reading this: You were brought into this world through an act of kindness from someone who wanted to help others create love and life. There is nothing ordinary about your story – it is one of hope, compassion and connection. You are here because someone cared enough to give a part of themselves so that you could exist. Always remember you are extraordinary and loved wholeheartedly.
Donor 2****, please know that your choice will always be honored in our home. You are part of our story and your kindness will be spoken of with gratitude and respect for years to come.
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